So as I was saying...

I took two weeks off this site and I owe you an explanation why:

So I probably owe you, the dear readers, something on an explanation.

An explanation for why I haven’t written in roughly two weeks.

Here it is: I fell in a hole.

Not a literal hole, nothing like that, but a metaphorical one. This one was deep, dark and cavernous. The sun never shone there, much like Indianapolis in the wintertime, and the skies were always gray. It seems impossible to explain depression except to others who deal with it, but it is debilitating when it comes on as strong as it did this time. I’ve dealt with it on and off my entire adult life -- it got really bad in Denver for a spell – and it was paralyzing, making sitting down at a computer and writing seem like the most difficult exercise imaginable.

Most of my career, a blank computer screen was an open invitation to create, to amuse, to edify. It was my safe space, my sanctuary. But then, slowly, the walls began to close in during these last few weeks.

What set it off? Possibly this: My good friend, who is only 61, is currently dealing with cirrhosis and liver cancer and I’m scared to death about him and his prognosis. I suddenly started seeing my own mortality – I’ll be 65 in March; gifts are welcome – and it hit me in a very significant way.

Suddenly, I couldn’t work up the passion or even the interest for sports-related subjects. It seemed so…dumb. It seemed dumb to get worked up over Lou Anarumo’s hiring or the Hoosiers’ latest basketball struggles. It just kept occurring to me that I am on the back nine of my life – hole 13 at Prairie View, to be specific – and I started ruminating about all the Big Questions Of Life. Writing a silly column seemed like the last thing I could do or wanted to do. A late-life mid-life crisis? I guess you could say that. Except I wasn’t shopping for a new sports car.

Where was I mentally?

The one time I wrote these past two weeks was to pen a column explaining why I was retiring. I was ready to make the leap.

But I’m glad I didn’t post it.

Now? I feel much better, thank you.

The sun is shining – well, a little bit.

The clouds are parting.

I’ll only offer one piece of advice: When you’re struggling, get help. I was lucky that I just so happened to have a follow-up appointment with my psychologist, who noted my struggles and suggested I add another medicine and that, my friends, has made a monumental difference. I can think clearly now. I feel enthusiasm about life’s pleasures again. I find joy in the beauty and the people around me.

I’m not writing this as some kind of excuse for my absence – it’s just an explanation and not a great one at that – but I know so many people who deal with depression and I want them to know it’s real and it’s awful and in so many cases, it can be addressed.

So here’s the deal and then I promise I’ll go back to writing about sports: I’m going to retire in roughly six months. I’ll be done before the start of the Colts season. Given that, I’m no longer accepting annual subscriptions. If you want to follow along, feel free to get a monthly sub, but be forewarned, I’ll be heading out the door around August, September. I will continue to put most of my pieces behind a paywall, only because that’s the fairest way to proceed while giving paid subscribers the unique content for which they paid. I’ll also do some freebies, for sure.

In the end, I apologize for disappearing from the scene for a couple of weeks. I know I missed some good stories. But if you’ve followed me over the years, you know these depressive episodes come and go and I want to be painfully honest with you, my readers. I’m like everybody else out there: I’ve got issues and sometimes they interfere with work and thank goodness I’m the boss in this situation. When I wanted to shut it down for a bit, the boss understood.

So that’s where it stands. My apologies for my lack of production recently. But I wanted you to know the truth rather than tell you I spent the last two weeks on some sunbaked beach in Aruba. Which would have been preferable, believe me.

And one last thing: If you need help, get help. Maintaining your mental health is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your loved ones. Now back to our previously scheduled programming…