Guest column: Colts and their fans have been sold a bill of goods on several clunkers, and they deserve better

In which my buddy, comedian/writer Scott Long, eviscerates Chris Ballard and talks a lot about cars -- well, you'll just have to trust me and read it.

Writer’s note: A few weeks ago, my friend Scott Long started sending me long texts about the Colts, at which point I said, “Well, why don’t you write a guest column for me.” Honestly, I didn’t think he’d actually do it, but he’s a huge fan of sports and good sports journalism and he has a journalism background, so he knocked it out in a day or two. It only seems fair to give him this platform; back in the day, I was his first volunteer for his Celebrity Standup series, at which point I nervously performed two short shows in front of a crowd at Cracker’s in Broad Ripple. I don’t agree with everything he says here — I’m more bullish on Anthony Richardson than he is — but it’s good stuff. Enjoy. — BK

Comedian/writer Scott Long is a nationally touring comedian who has appeared on NBC and his latest Drybar special Flyover Comedy has over 1 million views online and on Amazon Prime. Scott wrote the Frank Caliendo comedy sketches for 13 seasons on the NFL on FOX and ESPN. He was co-host for 2 seasons on WISH-TV’s All Indiana Bets football show, hosted the cleverly titled Scott Long Interview Show on the ISC Sports Network, and has been a regular guest on 100’s of sports talkshows. He lives in Fishers with his wife and 3 kids. His website is scottcomedy,com

When Chris Ballard came to the Colts, he was given something practically no other first-time NFL general manager ever has gotten, the keys to an Italian sports car. Andrew Romeo Luck was a finely tuned machine doing things that few have ever demonstrated. The only problem Ballard had was number 12 had already been raced too hard at times and the check engine light was constantly going on. Another unique thing about this Romeo sport-car/quarterback was there was no Alfa in its build. One day Romeo Luck tired of constantly being in the shop and he couldn’t get his ignition switch to start anymore, so he pulled off to the side of the road and left the Colts scrambling without a great scrambler.

So Luck has run out for Chris Ballard and he had to make a truly big decision for the first time. After getting unlucky right before the year, Ballard had to go with the rental he had on the lot named Jacoby Brissett. The next three seasons Ballard took the route of buying pre-owned vehicles. In 2019, he signed Philip Rivers, a former high end truck Ballard could get at a steal. While Rivers still had most of his features, he was available at a low price because his transmission was only going to last only one year. 

After the F-150 Rivers truck joined the Romeo Luck into retirement, Ballard decided to really roll the dice and go with a machine that seemed to be too good to be true for the sticker price.  Still pretty new, with all the features of a high end quarterback, Carson Wentz looked great on the showroom floor, but when you studied the Carfax, you noticed that he had been in a few accidents. The Colts coach at the time, Frank Reich, was a past owner and said he could restore Wentz back to top shape. And for 16 weeks, this was mostly true, until a horrible crash in Jacksonville left the Wentz wrecked. The Colts owner also didn’t like that Wentz hadn’t done some of he maintenance guidelines they requested, so he was considered totaled on 56th Street. 

This sent the Colts GM back to the NFL lots. Ballard thought he found a total bargain in another former high quality vehicle in Matt Ryan. The best way to describe Ryan’s  career was he was a Toyota Avalon. You know, on the surface looking like a Lexus Peyton Manning clone, but ultimately not the the quality of the Sheriff. The Colts would have been glad for even a Deputy level performance from Ryan, but soon after purchase, it became apparent he was a shell of his former build. Ryan was erratic and there definitely seemed to be a mechanical problem that couldn’t be fixed. Despite the Atlanta Falcons claims that Ryan was preowned certified, the truth was the Colts had purchased a lemon. 

So the 2022 season was a year where the Colts had no reliable driver at the wheel and Chris Ballard, despite 6 seasons with an overall record of 44-52, was given the chance to pick a new coach and quarterback. In arguably his best decision he hired Shane Steichen, who talked the organization into signing the backup QB he worked with with in Philadelphia, Gardner Minshew.  In the professional football parking lot filled with mostly glossy engines, Minshew pulled up looking like the restored prison bus he lived in during the off-season. 

While Chris Ballard had spent the past few seasons buying a used jalopy as his signal caller, if you looked at the other positions he drafted each April, they were filled with superstars on the test track (combine), who mostly struggled in every day traffic. (See the majority of Ballard’s draft picks.) It was finally time for him to draft a quarterback and the man (Ballard) who had mostly eschewed production versus sheer numbers found a QBTD-to vehicle of his dreams. 

Anthony Richardson was a workout superstar. Incredibly fast out of the gate, all while bigger and stronger than the competition, Ballard didn’t care about that Richardson’s performance had been way below average in college. Ballard didn’t care if there was no past history demonstrating that AR and his assault rifle of an arm, which seemingly had no scope attached to it, would work in the NFL. Chris Ballard had found his football version of a Cybertruck and he didn’t care if this was an expensive bet on an unknown commodity. He once again was in love with the flash he had seen at combine car show.  

Let’s look at the window sticker on the Colts Cybertruck. During his only full-season at Florida, AR completed just 53.8% of his passes with a 17/9 td/int ratio. The following season with the same Florida head coach, Graham Mertz completed over 75% with a 20/3 TD-to-interception ratio. So far in the NFL, Richardson has completed just 54.8% of his passes, while Gardner Minshew is at 64.1% in the same time period. Considering most Colts media saw Prison Bus as a backup vehicle, Gardner has had a better record during the past couple seasons, too. 

Did you hear about all the problems Tesla owners have had with the Cybertruck. ”Failure to put Cybertruck in Car Wash Mode may result in damage (for example, to the charge port or windshield wipers),” the manual states. “Damage caused by car washes is not covered by the warranty.”

While there is no information about Anthony Richardson getting damaged at a Crew Car Wash, after being injured 4 times in 8 games, it is starting to feel like the Colts need to make a similar declaration to Colts fans. Warning: The AR Cybertruck has a great chance of breaking down when leaving the pocket, despite being sold on the amazing 4.43 time delivered in 40 yards on the test track. Unfortunately despite the many safety features including an All-Pro running back and the most expensive offensive line in football, the AR Cybertruck doesn’t possess a slide mode. 

Hey, but Anthony Richardson is so young. That is true, but he is the same age (22) as C.J. Stroud and Caleb Williams. Bryce Young is 23, was the first pick in the same draft and has already been benched at this point. Richardson is a video game quarterback who can throw the bomb or run for big gains, but shows little promise in being able to be the consistent type passer who can bring his team up the field with precision passing. If you can’t demonstrate accuracy , the time of possession wrecks your defense. The NFL can be a developmental league, but not for top 10 picks who are in their 2nd season.  This idea of development definitely shouldn’t be the case for an organization who hasn’t won an easy division like the AFC South for a decade. 

From the owner to the general manager to the defensive coordinator, there is no accountability to the NFL dealership on the west side of Indianapolis. No matter what incentives are being offered up by their salesmen, there is no trust for the slick talking general manager anymore. Ballard’s ideas on how to build a team have been proven wrong for a long time now.  The customers deserve better.